Just a few thoughts on how our continued recovery allows us to effect positive results within our biological families...
I have found over time that I have no problem whatsoever in communicating with other members of AA, both in and out of the rooms. But when it comes to members of my own family, I still suffer emotional tension, frustration, and difficulty expressing thoughts. Perhaps this is because family members know me the best, and therefore know all the right buttons to push. Or perhaps I automatically feel guarded because I'm aware that they see past my 'walls' and defenses. Why is it so easy to speak with another alcoholic that I've never met before, and yet I can't be in a room with my mother for more than 30 minutes without arguing? It is my belief that the problem lies in how I see these people. The problem is always me and my perception.
About a year ago, I was having a problem with my children. I have a son and daughter, both in their early teens. I found them to be a regular source of frustration (normal for teenagers) and would find myself getting so upset with them that I would end up yelling at them on a regular basis. Not very spiritual. My children would end up feeling angry and resentful, and I would be so upset with them and even more so with myself that I would have to leave the house to go find a meeting.
When I discussed this with my sponsor he told me I was looking at my children as though they were my property—possessions that I owned and had the right to treat any way I wanted. He reminded me that we are all God's children and that God sees us the same. Even though I am my children's biological mother, in God's eyes we are brothers and sisters. God doesn't have any grandkids.
When I thought about this at great length and saw that he was right, I was greatly humbled and ashamed. I decided right then to talk to and treat my kids as though they were newcomers who knew nothing about our program and principles, and to regard them with the respect and dignity due any of God's children. More than that, I rediscovered the meanings of the words kindness, patience, and tolerance. I had so freely used these words in the rooms of AA and in working with others, but had I applied them to my own family?
Since then, my relationship with my children has dramatically changed. At first they were leery of this sudden change in mom. (I think they thought I was medicated. I heard the word Prozac whispered more than once.) But consistency of action is one of our strongest allies. They soon learned that this was the new mom and got used to her being around. I no longer have to raise my voice to make myself heard. I tell them I need something done, and if it's not, there will be consequences. The decision is then theirs as to the outcome. And I follow through with the consequences without argument or need for further discussion. I've learned to treat my children with respect as human beings, and they have learned to respect me, instead of fear me. Our relationships have grown dramatically in just a short year all because I took a suggestion from my sponsor and changed my outlook.
I have also found that the same applies to all my other family members. By applying this same school of thought to my previously strained relationship with my mother, I have found that visits with her and the rest of the family are far less stressful. Even though she's not another suffering alcoholic—self-centered and fearful—I treat her with patience, kindness, and understanding. I don't let her push my buttons or allow myself to become frustrated. I can't change her or how she reacts, but I can change how I react to her. She may never change—that is between her and God—but I can accept her the way she is and love her anyway—unconditionally—the same way that God loves us. And in changing my perception, by following simple direction from my sponsor, I have found a peace and tranquility that I never thought possible.
We are all God's children and therefore equals in all walks of life.
Free yourself. It's as simple as changing your outlook.