We admitted we were Powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
I need a step to remind me that I am powerless over the physical and mental aspects of the alcoholic condition about as much as I need a commandment to remind me that I'm not supposed to kill—because I keep forgetting that. Think about the ridiculousness of the presumption that this is what the first step means. It is not what the step means, in its spiritual sense, and it is also not what the commandment means, in its spiritual sense. If we were merely dealing with a drinking problem, then maybe we could look at the step as if it is telling me that I shouldn't drink. But the solution for a drinking problem is abstinence. We're not dealing with a drinking problem. We're dealing with a spiritual problem referred to as a spiritual malady, "malady" defined as a separation or disconnect.
I can use many substances and behaviors to treat or temporarily relieve the spiritual malady… alcohol being only one. This, in my opinion, is why the Big Book refers to alcohol as just a symptom. If all I treat is the drinking problem, when my real problem is the spiritual malady, then I may solve the drinking problem only for it to be replaced by another problem just as self-destructive. I wouldn't be treating the underlying cause and condition.
My understanding of the first step could be summed up by saying that I admit that I have the spiritual malady (the emptiness in my soul), there is nothing I can do to change that anymore than I could change the fact that I was born a white male. And my default state is to believe that if I could only manage my life well, by attaining or discarding human powers (things of this world—false Gods) to fill that powerlessness condition (the emptiness in my soul), then I would be satisfied. I have this delusional default perception. Even though my experience is evidence to the contrary, I am still always yearning for more or desiring to have things happen quicker. Basing my happiness on worldly things never satisfies me, therefore no matter how much or how long I pursue these things, I will never find satisfaction and sooner or later, I'm going to need relief.
The substances and behaviors that I tend to use to find relief are many and varied, but the one thing they all have, without exception, is price-tags that I don't want to pay. The price-tags include money, time, police records, self-image, loss of dignity, loss of possessions, loss of jobs and loss of relationships… ad infinitum.
Usually the next question I get is: Does this mean that I cannot enjoy these worldly things? The answer is absolutely no. You can have anything in the world that you want, as long as you can pay the price. The point I'm trying to make is that you will never be able to use these worldly things to fill that emptiness in your soul. It's like when you're hungry… it doesn't mean that you can't have a car… it just means that you can't eat a car. I need food. And when I have an emptiness in my soul, it doesn't mean I can't have a car, or a girlfriend, or a career… it just means that I can't use these things to effectively fill that emptiness in my soul, even though they appear to be able to do that, at least momentarily. The appearance is a delusion… they never work long-term.
Another question the reader might have at this point is: Why did the founders of these steps, specifically state "we were powerless of alcohol"? My answer is that I really don't know. There is the possibility that in the 1930's the word alcohol still meant something to do with spirits. There is also the possibility that it was written that way because most new people are under the impression that their problem is alcohol. However, my real answer is, I wasn't there… I don't have a clue. I only have my perception of my experience and that is what I'm sharing here. I don't claim to be qualified to report on the intent of the founders of AA or the authors of the Big Book. I only intend on attempting to describe what is in my heart and what these steps mean to me.
The word "alcohol" comes from the Latin root of "es spiritus". The word alcoholism seems to me to have been used to describe the spiritual condition—not a drinking problem—at least as far back as the bible. I found it interesting that in the writings from the Washingtonians in the mid-1800s, they never use the word alcohol. They refer to the drink as malts, ales, lagers, etc. I believe that around the turn of the century the medical societies coined the word "ethyl-alcohol" to name the chemical in the drink that causes the ease and comfort. Soon after that the word alcohol was casually used to describe the chemical. As a result, it would appear to the casual observer that this condition of alcoholism is a result of excessive drinking. I believe that they have it backwards. I believe that excessive drinking is a result of the spiritual condition. Having the spiritual condition qualifies one to be described as an alcoholic. I believe the attempt in the second chapter of the Big Book "There Is A Solution" to differentiate between the "Real Alcoholic" and "The Problem Drinker" is just this… does he have a spiritual malady when he is sober?
I believe that people who have not experienced the spiritual condition, or at least an extreme degree of the malady, would find it nearly impossible, if not impossible, to understand the condition. If they've never felt the spiritual malady, they cannot comprehend the pain of that form of emptiness and loneliness. This adds to the tendency for the person who has not experienced the spiritual malady to find understanding in believing the problem is excessive drinking.
To the casual observer of alcoholism, the outward appearance of "excessive drinking", even when all reason would tell someone they should not drink, appears to be a chemical addiction of the mind and body. However, we who have dealt with this condition know that we can "just not drink" but it's painful. My problem is when I'm sober. The drink is not my problem, it is my answer. It may not be a good answer, but it appears to me to be the lesser of two evils. The two evils being drink myself to death or live miserably sober. Drinking my self to death or insanity seems to be less painful. People who have not experienced this are seriously perplexed that we could have a problem with sobriety. If they do open their minds to attempting an understanding of the sobriety problem, their initial instinct is to put us in the hands of the psychiatrist and get us medicated because we're depressed. No doubt we are depressed. We're obsessed with self and what we don't have. Every person I have ever met who was depressed was thinking about "self" in some form or fashion. But even when we get what we think we need to be satisfied, we're still depressed, because we're not dealing with a psychiatric issue. It is a spiritual issue that only a genuine certainty of a power greater than human can treat. No matter how well we manage our lives, we still feel empty and alone. Self-preservation, closely followed by self-justification seem to our first two primary instincts.
The Big Book refers to our situation as "Lack of Power - that was our dilemma". I believe a more accurate statement might be "Lack of Awareness of the Power—that was our dilemma". I believe the Power to be omni-present, consistent, relentless, all-loving and always available. What seems to be elusive is my "awareness" of the availability of that Power in my life. The purpose of the steps, the traditions and the Big Book is to bring the individual person an awareness of a Power that can solve his/her problem… the spiritual malady.